Despising the Body I'm Living In Seriously. What is wrong with me?

I am full of loathing, promises about tomorrow, disgust.  ¶ 10:46 PM 1 comments

  A Pre-New Year's Resolution So, the year comes to an end and I'm fatter than ever. It's revolting, really. When I was eleven years old and obsessed with having a flat stomach, my stomach was essentially fat, but for the slightest bulge under my belly button. I could suck it in. Now, after two pregnancies, my belly is a bowl full of jelly and no amount of sucking--other than liposuction--will help.

And I've completely gagged the Sensible Voice in My Head. I'm at the very worst stage of weight gain, though, or maybe the best, when you find yourself at the tippy end of a branch, far, so far from the ground, and you think, okay, the time has come. I've got to climb down, just a little at a time, until my jeans fit!

This weekend we're going away and I'm sure unhealthy food will be abundant. But then, I will stagger out from the drunkeness of insensible eating and stop. I will spend this year listening to that Sensible Voice and doing what a sensible girl who wants to wear a size ten would do.

In other words, I'm giving up french fries for the year. And I'm exercising every day. And I'm going to add up all the other little sensible acts until I'm shrinking.

Because really, I can't do another diet. I can't write down a list of food I eat every day. I can't cut out a whole food group (french fry elimination notwithstanding).

So I will listen. I will make good choices. And I will visit here each day to report on my progress.  ¶ 10:57 PM 0 comments

  Listening to the Sensible Voice in My Head We all have her. The Sensible Voice. She says things like, "Get some exercise. Go to bed when you're tired. Eat some vegetables. Cut down on sugar. Don't eat after dinner. Eliminate snacks. Avoid fried food."

And I ignore her all the time.

But I'm going to start listening to her.  ¶ 3:28 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 93 The problem is that I don't really feel that fat. I mean, I am aware of my clothing size and on the rare occasion I see myself naked in a full-length mirror, I am horrified, but in my normal every day life, I feel pretty much the same as I always did, just as I feel twenty-two years old inside my head when my body is actually forty years old.

So being fat doesn't bother me.

Until it's time to put on a swimsuit and swim. Or wear shorts and walk around in public. Or meet with a friend who hasn't seen me in a long time. Or have my picture taken. And all that is about what people see and how they perceive me and what they will think.

I care about all that, but I don't care enough, apparently. I'm introverted by nature, so it's easy enough to just hole up here at home and not look at myself and not think about how I look to others.

But sometimes, I notice that my stomach is in the way. Getting up from a chair takes a little effort. I'm not as limber as I used to be. I'm sometimes winded when I walk up the stairs quickly.

On an entirely different plane, I long to be thin. I dream of having a flat stomach and clothes that actually flatter, instead of just disguise. I'd like to run around--literally RUN around--with my children.

But my days are long stretches of boredom and responsibility and stress. The weight loss experts are always offering unhelpful advice. If you are stressed or lonely, take a bath. Take a walk, read a book, light a candle, do a project, call a friend, exercise . . . and none of these things will work for me when I'm SICK TO DEATH of kids and feeling desperate.

So I eat. I pop something or another in my mouth and it's a little mini-party, a distraction from whatever's driving me crazy. Sure, I'd much rather go for a long meandering walk through the woods or take a steamy bath, but let's be realistic. My means of coping are severely limited by my current life.

All of this sounds like an excuse, even to me. Some days, I tell myself, starting tomorrow I will exercise every day! I will eat vegetables and not cookies. I will talk a long walk when the kids are sleeping. But I don't. I am fighting inertia, laziness and circumstances.

The other stupid thing I do is this. When I am eating two cookies and reading . . . if I'm interrupted, I will get two more cookies are start again. It's ridiculous, but I do it all the time. I eat for entertainment and when I'm interrupted, I start over.

It's no wonder I'm fat. For really, the reason, the Main Reason is that I eat when I'm not hungry. And I eat horrible stuff when I'm not hungry--cookies, chocolate, crackers. If someone else were doing this, I would judge them harshly.

I do it and I can't seem to stop.

But this I know. I will. I will do it because I know I can. I will keep trying until I manage to succeed, she says with a tummy full of chocolate chip cookies.  ¶ 2:39 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 94 Fast-food, eaten in the car.

Halloween candy, eaten without really paying attention.  ¶ 10:56 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 95 I don't do what she does. We are acquaintances in real life, too, and even that fails to inspire me enough to make drastic and permanent changes to my life.

This leads me to say, "I am a miserable failure. Where is something salty to eat?"  ¶ 12:13 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 96 At movie theaters, I order a medium popcorn and Diet Coke. Every time. And I see a movie once or twice a month.

Sometimes, I eat chocolate, too, when the popcorn is gone.  ¶ 9:47 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 97 Chinese food: Dinner last night. And then today, the rest for lunch.

Brownies: I make the best brownies in the world. I even lick the batter.

Finally, when out and about at night, I say to myself, "Oh, wouldn't some ice cream be good? I could stop at Dairy Queen. It's so close."

Then, in the drive-thru line, I say to myself, "Oh, what the hell. I'll get a Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard since I'm here anyway. Next time, I'll get a small cone, but I deserve a Blizzard. Yum. Who cares, anyway?"

Then I hide the cup in the outside trash can.  ¶ 11:21 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 98 When I have an afternoon to myself, I treat myself to Taco Time and instead of ordering a reasonable menu item, I order a SuperSoft Taco with Mexi-fries. Oh, and a Diet Coke. As if that makes any difference.

Afterwards, I crave chocolate.  ¶ 9:13 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 99 I make fantastic chocolate chip cookies to cheer up my kids. Then I eat the dough and a handful of cookies, too.  ¶ 9:13 PM 0 comments

  Reason Number 100 At naptime, I can't figure out what to have for lunch and we're out of salad, so I eat a generous slice of pecan pie.  ¶ 3:28 PM 0 comments